Ego - a source of conflict

I am not an expert in conflict resolution. Yet I know one thing about conflict to be true - many times the source of it lies in the 'ego'.

Sometimes why does a manager resent a very hard-working and capable employee? The answer - "They did not act as I said or they did not do what I asked them to do." More than a case of discipline or the work not being done, it becomes a case of gratifying one's ego. "How can someone dare to disobey me", right? The same holds true for the employees. Instead of gracefully accepting a constructive criticism or feedback, they start contemplating that fact that the 'I' was criticized.

It is important for each person to have a sense of self-respect. There will be times when we have to choose to walk away or fight the fight. But a lot of conflict occurs because the two people in the conflict are too convinced about being right and too offended to hear anything said against the 'I'. Neither party is ready to compromise because the 'I' becomes more important than the issue at hand. Whether or not the problem gets solved 'I' should not be offended.

I believe that if people learn to move out from this obsession with the 'I' and focus on the problem or issue at hand instead, reaching a solution and avoiding conflicts would be a lot easier.

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Feedback - what does it say?

When you're new in any organization, the first few months is the time for learning. During this phase you'd expect your colleagues to co-operate and your seniors to guide you. You're also likely to make some mistakes. Perhaps you end up doing things differently than it's usually done. You will need someone to outline the system and process for you. If I do a certain process differently, it doesn't mean I think I'm better than everyone else and I'm trying to implement my own system. It only means that I haven't understood the system yet and I want someone to show me the right way. However, few managers tend to think the other way round. This morning I made a simple mistake of numbering in a slightly different manner than it's usually done. I wasn't trying to change the system or prove my ways are better. I just didn't know and I had too much work to notice the minor slip. The feedback I got, "Do you think your ways are better than my system and everyone else who worked here before you? If you think that way then you've got to prove it to me and I can assure you, you can't." The same person once told me, "I don't want you to do the easy way. I want you to do things my way." Now when I think of the constant feedback I keep getting from this person, I realize the feedback speaks less about me and more about him. Apparently, I don't mind! That's what work life is all about. A lot of people see their own reflection and perception in you. You gotta learn to keep an open mind and open ears whereby you listen everything, ignore most of it and retain a few points that help you learn and grow.

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Think before you speak!

John Mayor sang, “Say what you need to say.” But, in the context of an organization, you need to be careful before you say what you need to say. You’ll have to consider:

• What you say.
• Whether what you say is important or not.
• When you say it.
• To whom you say.
• And, finally how you say it.

Everything you speak about may not be all that important. Does a minor issue need to be voiced out? Another important factor is timing. Perhaps you’re really freaked out before undertaking a particular assignment. Should you voice out your fear at the moment you’re afraid? Or should you wait until you’ve accomplished the task. You could later tell your colleagues how afraid you really were. The next important factor to consider is to whom you say. If you have a problem then normally in an organization it’s the line manager. Voicing your concerns to every other person is not the wisest thing to do. Finally, how you say what you have to say makes a big difference. For example, if a person from another department asks you for your help and you’re really busy then you can say, “No, I’m busy. I won’t help.” Or you can be more subtle and say, “I’d love to help you but my buckets are full. So, I’m really sorry I can’t help you this time.”

Being a professional means you learn the correct way of saying the right thing at the right time to the right person and in a right way.

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