Ego - a source of conflict

I am not an expert in conflict resolution. Yet I know one thing about conflict to be true - many times the source of it lies in the 'ego'.

Sometimes why does a manager resent a very hard-working and capable employee? The answer - "They did not act as I said or they did not do what I asked them to do." More than a case of discipline or the work not being done, it becomes a case of gratifying one's ego. "How can someone dare to disobey me", right? The same holds true for the employees. Instead of gracefully accepting a constructive criticism or feedback, they start contemplating that fact that the 'I' was criticized.

It is important for each person to have a sense of self-respect. There will be times when we have to choose to walk away or fight the fight. But a lot of conflict occurs because the two people in the conflict are too convinced about being right and too offended to hear anything said against the 'I'. Neither party is ready to compromise because the 'I' becomes more important than the issue at hand. Whether or not the problem gets solved 'I' should not be offended.

I believe that if people learn to move out from this obsession with the 'I' and focus on the problem or issue at hand instead, reaching a solution and avoiding conflicts would be a lot easier.

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Complain culture

Complaining has become a culture at our workplaces. But have we ever asked ourselves this question - what function does complain accomplish? Now complain can help in identifying or solving a problem. Complaints point out the weak areas management can focus on improving. But complaints can also be a way of exacerbating the intensity of our current problems. It is because when more people talk about what's dissatisfying, the problems occur to be bigger than they really are. In some cases, the complaint may not even be a problem in the first place. Yet the continuous discussion of what's not right makes a small glitch appear like a big devil.

Shiv Khera wrote in his book 'You can Win': "When you complain, 50% people don't care and 50% people are happy that you're dissatisfied, so why complain?" So honestly, complaining breeds no solution or results. What about being grateful instead? And, if there's nothing to be grateful about then, let us remember the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change

to change the ones I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference."

When each person starts to apply this prayer in his or her life, complaints will certainly stop. Can I do something about what I'm complaining about? If the answer is 'yes' - then lets do it! If the answer is 'no', then lets learn to accept it. But here's also a third way out - if you can't change and if you can't accept, then quit. Why worry yourself and worry others with your constant complaints?

I believe that if we can shift from this 'complain culture' to 'solution culture', we are walking the path of progress. It's better to spend time finding solutions rather than complaining. But as long as we continue to complain and not do anything about it, we're stuck in a quicksand. It would really help if most of us remembered the serenity prayer. Perhaps the extra time spent in complaining can be devoted to the practice of developing 'serenity' and 'courage' in each of us.

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What kind of work you want to do?

Consider the following two scenarios:

Scenario 1: You have a work that enriches you and fulfills you internally. Your senior is not your boss but your mentor. He believes in you and your ability to do any task assigned. Even when you make mistakes or sometimes dodge deadlines, he doesn't make an issue out of it but tries to understand what has been bothering you. He has his complete faith in you and every time tells you 'you can' even when you're not doing your work as per his expectations. 

Scenario 2: You have a work that drains you from the inside. Your senior is a dictator. He constantly doubts your ability to do the work assigned to you. When you make an error, he gives this mocking smile and says "I knew you couldn't do it all right". He expects you to be a machine rather than a human. Even when you do the best of your work, all that anyone notices are the mistakes you've made and not the good work you have done.

Now it is quite evident what scenario anyone wants to be in. Everyone likes scenario one and no one likes scenario two. If you're in scenario 1, you're happy, motivated and loyal. On the other hand, scenario 2 means unhappiness, frustration and ultimately doubting your own capabilities. There are always professions we choose and we have this constant pressure and need of making a career for ourselves. But I believe before career comes happiness. Being happy means choosing scenario 1. The work may not add much to your career but it will surely add a great deal to your happiness and state of self-esteem. But if you're in scenario 2 then even if the job pays well and is a stepping stone for a brighter life ahead, as long as you're stuck there you're losing your happiness and draining yourself from your self-esteem.

However, there's no way of figuring out before you start any work whether you're joining scenario 1 or scenario 2. If by some bad misfortune, you're stuck in scenario 2 then perhaps that's a test in your life. One must learn to be patient and tolerate. There is much to learn from that kind of experience too. If you can handle that, you can handle anything in the world. But then there comes a time when integrity and a sense of peace and self-respect takes precedence over career. One must know when that time has come. Until then lets just survive the test and carry on.

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What is a team?

What is a team? Is it a team if a group of people are working for the same business of an organization? Is it a team if the corporate hierarchy dictates people to work together in the same working space? The name 'team' itself has a positive vibe attached to it. Therefore, if a group of people working together for the same purpose do not respect and value each other, it is not a proper team. Similarly, instead of supporting each other, if a few members of the team are conspiring against one person then it's not a team either. A good team has proper communication within the team. They help one another in times of need. If one member is facing a hard time, the others come for help and support rather than abandoning that member. There is mutual trust and cohesion within a team. If that is not the case, then we should not call that group of people a team in the first place.

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Feedback - what does it say?

When you're new in any organization, the first few months is the time for learning. During this phase you'd expect your colleagues to co-operate and your seniors to guide you. You're also likely to make some mistakes. Perhaps you end up doing things differently than it's usually done. You will need someone to outline the system and process for you. If I do a certain process differently, it doesn't mean I think I'm better than everyone else and I'm trying to implement my own system. It only means that I haven't understood the system yet and I want someone to show me the right way. However, few managers tend to think the other way round. This morning I made a simple mistake of numbering in a slightly different manner than it's usually done. I wasn't trying to change the system or prove my ways are better. I just didn't know and I had too much work to notice the minor slip. The feedback I got, "Do you think your ways are better than my system and everyone else who worked here before you? If you think that way then you've got to prove it to me and I can assure you, you can't." The same person once told me, "I don't want you to do the easy way. I want you to do things my way." Now when I think of the constant feedback I keep getting from this person, I realize the feedback speaks less about me and more about him. Apparently, I don't mind! That's what work life is all about. A lot of people see their own reflection and perception in you. You gotta learn to keep an open mind and open ears whereby you listen everything, ignore most of it and retain a few points that help you learn and grow.

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Bad examples

If a high ranking official talks about fairness, integrity and professionalism but lets his personal ego and issues influence his professional decisions, then it's hard to follow the values and standards he sets. If the same official favors and appreciates even the mistakes of a mendacious worker while condemning the efforts of the conscientious one, then its easy to question his intentions. When that same person changes business partners and makes employees overwork but underpays in the name of cost-saving yet refuses to let go of the perks and allowances granted to him, then its obvious to eye him as corrupt. Big talks doesn't make anyone appear big in the eyes of others. The work one does and the behavior one exhibits follows like a shadow. If the intention of a manager or someone in a higher authority role is to motivate and influence their co-workers and subordinates, big talks don't serve the purpose. What truly determines the character and commitment level of a professional is the work and not the words. Sadly too many hypocrites exist and we have to learn to deal with them. Sad but true - professionalism demands we keep a straight face despite the disgust. We simply learn to carry on with our work responsibilities without placing any degree of trust and respect for those who manage us in the name of corporate hierarchy. They are the unfortunate bad examples in the name of leadership. We despise them but the best we can do is try never to be like them and stay alert for though we're good, we all have to learn how to save our a**.

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Rules or Results?

Recently there has been a lot of changes at my workplace. Restructuring and a new management has created a kind of chaos that has directly affected the quality of service it has been providing its customers. Besides the negative impact to the external customers there's also a lot of confusion and resistance among the internal staffs. While there are a lot of reasons that led to this situation, one of the key problems is that policies and procedures have become the center of focus more than the end results. Having a system is important in ensuring uniformity and fairness. However, at what cost have you established the system? Is following rules more important than delivering results? I've also noticed that binding employees in a set of rigid rules is a way of taking away the spirit of team work. Making every individual accountable for a specific set of work is a good idea but does it come at the cost of individuals ignoring the bigger picture? While some changes are good, some changes look like simply a way of exercising dominance. If it's an organization that believes in its vision and customer orientation more than anything, then why is it so stuck in paper work and rigid rules rather than the results? And, why are the rules and changes that was supposed to bring security and standardization causing inconvenience to the customers instead? Why is the value of mutuality being lost in the midst of all this change? I guess the ones who've brought by this rule-based need to ask themselves this question once: "What are we training our staffs for - to make them leaders or docile followers? Are we teaching them about rules to oblige by or helping them understand the shared purpose based on an organization wide vision?" 

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Leading by Example

As managers and supervisors, getting the support and respect of your team members, getting the work done through them and keeping them motivated is a big challenge. You can enforce rules, read out instructions or give lectures on the way you expect your colleagues and juniors to behave. However, the best way to manage and lead is by setting an example. You can never extract good behavior by setting a bad example.

I have observed two kinds of behaviour at work. I have worked with someone who was punctual, polite and diligent. He completed all his work on time, stayed calm, highly organized and was always ready to help. When there was a problem, he focused on finding the solution rather than finding out the person to blame for the problem. He treated everyone including the lowest level of employee with respect. I have also worked with someone who was tardy, rude and indolent. She never met the deadlines, was impetuous and disorganized and rarely available for help. When a problem arose she focused on finding the person to blame rather than finding the solution. Besides the slackness in work, she was dominating and disrespectful with other staffs.

What difference does the behaviour make? Well, it is clearly a case of Professional v/s Unprofessional. If you’re behaving in a professional way then your colleagues and team members will respect you and follow you. However, if you’re behaving unprofessionally then you’ll have almost no support from your team members. Even when you make a good decision, it will be viewed with an eye of doubt. Even though your colleagues put up a smile in front of you for the sake of social convention, behind the back they will not have even a shred of respect for you. While a professional behaviour will be praised and rewarded, an unprofessional behaviour including the person who exhibits this kind of behaviour will be ridiculed and someday penalized.

As Spider Man says, “Big position demands bigger responsibilities.” It’s very easy misuse a high level position. You can order people around and make them do your work. The ones below you may follow orders out of obligation but will never be ready to help you willingly. To be a responsible person and a good manager or a supervisor also means being a good trend-setter. Example is the best advice you can give. Therefore, before you begin to enforce rules, voice out lectures or read out instructions, you need to make sure that you’re yourself setting a good example for others to follow.

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Be Selfish!

I live in a world where altruism is demanded, respected and rewarded. Altruism means placing the welfare of others above one’s own welfare. The foundation of altruism lies in selflessness and it entails in sacrificing personal benefits for the benefit of a larger group. The opposite of altruism i.e. selfishness is, however, condemned and considered immoral. Being selfish is rated as petty, bad and immoral. But, just like Howard Roark in The Fountainhead, I believe in selfishness. As far as your work life is concerned, you need to learn to be selfish. Selfishness, or rational self-interest (in the words of Ayn Rand) is a fuel that drives you to success and good work. It is what helps you stand for what you believe in and prevents you from being a doormat. I’ll clarify this statement with the use of three examples:

I teach and I teach because there are many benefits I derive out of teaching. Teaching helps me develop my skills – communication, public speaking, public handling and leadership. It also earns me good money, updates me on the subject I’m teaching and gives me free time as well as freedom. I do not teach because I believe my teaching is going to bring some kind of revolution and change the lives of the students. Yes, if I’m a good teacher then the students will benefit more than by being taught by a bad teacher. But, being a good teacher also offers benefits for me – better reputation and the chance to continue teaching in every semester. Thus, when my primary reason for teaching is my personal benefits then I will make it a point to teach well and my motivation for teaching will be internal. However, if I’m teaching for the sake of students then first thing I’ll want is approval. And, then I’ll have expectation for bigger rewards like respect and acknowledgement of my efforts. I might be overly ambitious and perhaps too accommodating. My motivation will disappear if the students show no enthusiasm in their studies. I’ll consider the whole process so unfair – I’m teaching for the greater welfare of the students and they just don’t care. I will take any harsh comment from the students very personally and might end up frustrated.

Let us now talk about writing. I write primarily because I can write and I have ideas I wish to share. When I write I’m satisfied because I’ll know I haven’t let the music in my heart die. It is a form of expression and relief for me. It is perhaps the only legacy I’ll leave behind. Thus, when I write for myself I will continue writing no matter what. But, if I start writing for the readers then the first thing I'll want is popularity among readers. I’ll want my subscribers to increase. I will be disappointed if my writings are unable to inspire anybody. I may even try to please everyone and in this process write things I don’t believe in. When I write selfishly, I’m not just being authentic but I’m also okay if no one chooses to read what I write. I won’t be upset when the subscriber and the visitor list don’t increase. There will surely be few articles where what I write and what the readers want to hear will collide.

Finally, let us think of the workplace. There will be two factors that have to mutually interact: the organizational objectives and our personal objectives. Whenever we’re hired in an organization then we’re a tool to achieve the organizational goals. But, why do we join the organization in the first place? We do it because we want to earn money or learn from experience that will help us further in finding a job that’ll pay us well. Or, we might be enticed by the designation and the power we get through affiliation. How many of us are thinking of the organizational objectives and its impact on the society in the first place? If we start caring more about the organizational development rather than our personal development then we’ll start to get frustrated when the decisions of the higher level managers cause the organization to deviate from its objectives. As long as we’re selfish, we’re fine working in the organization. When we start thinking of the greater good, our expectations rise thinking we should receive preferential treatment for the goodwill we harbour in our heart for the enterprise. To enhance our skills we devote ourselves to organizational learning, to increase our chances for future employment we take on challenges and overcoming them will be a thing to boast about in our CV, to earn money we work more hours and to retain the employment for basic survival we follow the organizational rules. At the end, it’s the selfishness that’s at the heart of all our work.

If I don’t teach then the students will have a different teacher and if I don’t write the world won’t fall apart. Similarly, if you don’t work in an organization then there will be someone else in your place. Since we’re all easily replaceable we might as well work for our own sake. The truth is others just don’t care about our actions. It doesn’t matter to them if we’re doing some grand act for their sake or in other words ‘we’re being altruistic’. All they care is how our actions affect their benefit. Therefore, if you want to succeed and be a practical-minded person in the workplace then be selfish. Work for yourself and your personal benefit. Don’t work for others and don’t idolize the concept of greater good. Selfishness may be condemned and may be looked at with vile eyes but being selfish eventually pays off through a better job performance and greater achievement.

See - even a book has been written about the virtues of selfishness!

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